I want to describe as fully as I can what it actually feels like to be so large. For my fat to stretch the capacity of my skin to its outer limits, feeling like it’s just going to bust through at some point and overspill its “skin container”.
I want to discuss how I feel when I sit, when I take a bath, when I stand up, when I walk, when I lie down, when I roll over in bed, when I get in my car, and when I sleep.
I feel like a bumbling, lumbering clown when I walk. No question about it. I don’t know an adequate word to describe the disgusting feeling of having so many thick rolls of “prison” around my arms, my middle, my chest, my legs, my knees, my neck, my back, my hips, my butt, etc. To try to put my arms down straight to my sides only to realize they can only go down to about 45% because I feel like the giant blueberry on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, what was her name, Violet? They had to roll her to the juicing room to flatten her out again.
I feel like I need to be rolled to the juicing room.
Every morning when I awake, the first conscious thought I have in my brain is “Man, I’m huge!” When I go to bed the last thought I have in my brain is “Man, I’m huge!” It is a thought-prison, a physical-prison, a dream-prison, a potential-prison, a life-prison to be this large when I know there is a healthy person inside of me. I know there is because I’ve BEEN her before. And then I must have forgotten what it felt like to be huge, because the fear of being huge dissipated, and, well, I got huge again. Somehow all my time spent a “normal, healthy BMI” gave me a false sense of security that somehow maybe I WAS normal.
I will NEVER be normal. And that’s a fact. I will ALWAYS need a structured eating program, whether I’m in the weight loss phase, the transition phase, or the maintenance phase, I will ALWAYS need that structure, someone else’s judgment telling and showing me how much fuel/food I need and what types of fuel/food I need in order to continue to live the healthy life I want to live.
Funny, too, because I have a Bachelor of Science Degree in Human Nutrition, I’m an NDTR (Nutrition and Dietetic Technician, Registered), and I’m 2 classes away from obtaining my Master’s Degree in Obesity Prevention and Management. You’d think I have myself figured out by now. I’m STILL learning. Believe me.
So, back to how I feel.
I feel large. My chest rests on the dining room table when I’m working, and on the steering wheel of my car when I’m driving. For heaven’s sake, I can actually use my chest as a SHELF for my TEACUP when I’m sitting in my chair in the living room/library. Yes. It is true. My husband even has a picture of that for posterity sake. Pretty disgusting.
I took some “before” pictures of myself yesterday, they aren’t pretty but they ARE accurate. I’ll post them here if I can figure out how to do that. I saw a fellow coaching friend of mine last week, and it was very hard but I wanted to show up.
How do I feel in the tub? Large. Huge. Like one continuous blob-like entity. It’s hard to “clean” myself after I go to the bathroom unless I strike a certain “pose”. It’s humiliating to go ANYWHERE knowing I had health and then I squandered it. Again. I don’t even have an excuse for what I did! Sometimes I feel like God may have made a mistake putting me in charge of myself. I have proven myself incapable time and time again, I muck it up and seem to be slowly killing myself with my neglect, and it isn’t just neglect, sometimes it is willful rebellion! What is wrong with me!?
I feel like I move through this world as semi-invisible. People don’t want to meet my gaze, and I don’t want to meet theirs. I rather they DIDN’T notice me, and most don’t let on that they do, but how can they NOT see the literal ELEPHANT in the room, lumbering towards them? The move aside discreetly, and sometimes not so discreetly, giving me a wide berth for my gargantuan hips.
I feel hopeless in my current state, my current course of action, with no hope whatsoever. Well, I can’t say that, I am on day one of TRULY staying on program and sending my body different instructions, so here I go. I know it takes full adherence to the program, and I’m willing to do that now. Submit. Surrender. Stop substituting my own judgment for the judgment of the plan. Enough. Let’s do this.
I am prepared to begin again, I have enough fuelings for several months of program, and it is simply a matter of doing the do now.
This morning I was 257.7, so down almost 2 pounds. But I was not fully on program yesterday, which was SUPPOSED to be my day 1. Instead of went “Lyft” driving unprepared and ended up choosing to have a Portillo’s hotdog for dinner instead of coming home and getting my next fueling. But it did give me some good material for this blog today, to still be able to feel what I feel at my worst/heaviest, because I KNOW that after even a few days on program I am going to have a different mindset than I do right now, so I wanted to catalog THIS horrible state of mind and how I feel before I go and get all optimistic and hopeful as the plan begins to work. It is for POSTERITY sake that I do this. But from here on, I will not deviate. If I don’t have an adequate Lean and Green I will simply have 5 fuelings in a day. Period. Here goes.